Tears feel weird when you cry them in the shower. You can’t tell which steamy droplets come from the shower head or your eyes. Your tears just melt into the shower droplets so you feel like you are drowning in a tub full of your own salt water.

Cats seem to like the taste of tears. I was working at the cat shelter at Petsmart, and as I was petting one I started to cry. The creature looked up at my loud snuffling with turquoise eyes. It sniffed the curious droplets seeping from my eyes, and lapped them all up. The tears that landed on my hands were not spared, and she lapped at those hungrily as well. She looked back at me and narrowed her eyes to slits of feline contentment. I looked down at her and laughed. There’s more where that came from.

Everyone has had those fantasies when they feel like nothing is going right. You know the ones; you are in a near fatal accident and the man you love takes a rush flight and dashes into your room proclaiming how he will never leave you again; how he never knew how much he needed you until he almost lost you. He carries you out and whisks you to a Chateau in Paris where you feed one another chocolate covered fruit…..forever. Yeah…you know what I’m talking about.

I’m watching some crocs on Animal Planet tearing a full grown hog to pieces. It floats aimlessly in the water as each behemoth nips off chunk after chunk, slowly exposing bowels and bone. The crocs come out of nowhere and attack from all sides.
Today, I feel like that pig.

Forgive the disjointedness. It has been one of those days.

Life is Friendly

Brain Fart Number One: Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker.
Humanity is on its last legs, ladies and gentleman. The matchmaker takes on clients, usually male, who have figured out how to amass millions upon millions of dollars, but can’t seem to figure out how to stay in a serious relationship (i.e. how not to be a complete tool in a relationship). And boy does this show know tools.
Candidate Number One: Chris, a man who states that he is not “impressed by material things” but wants a “gorgeous” woman between the ages of 21-28. Also prefers brunette women with large breasts. “Enhancements are OK” he states. He is a childrens book writer…he writes about manners.

Candidate Number Two: Long haired greasy man. A self proclaimed “arteeest.” He has a fucking papillon named “Picasso” and has painted for Paris Hilton and Brit-Brit. He hates “fame and fortune” but will not hesitate to talk about his last famous client. “She’s a famous triplet,” he smirks. How many famous triplets are there out there?

After the men give the matchmaker the descriptions of the women they want, the matchmaker “busts her ass” making the sub par women who show up look like the women that the clients want. Matchmaker? Or Match-forcer. She actually told one girl, “can you look like Cameron Diaz? Go home and get a picture, blow dry your hair so you look like her.”

FAIL-SAUCE.

This show makes me sad. On the other hand, these clients should have thought twice about trading their people skills and relationship savvy for a million dollars.

Fucking papillion named fucking PICASSO!